'I've got your back': How is it with your partner in public?

“When we go out with other people or to an event or a party, Brad can’t seem to help distancing himself from me. He avoids showing any sign of affection or love for me in public.
If I ask him in advance if he would look after me a little if we’re going to an event with his friends, he says ‘yes’ but the reality is I feel abandoned when we get there. I’m so sensitive to him doing that, and am always expecting it now.
It makes me feel confused, like there’s something wrong with me, and I feel hurt and angry. Then I withdraw from him and go into self-protect mode. The atmosphere between us when we drive home every time is not pretty!” Miriam (not their real names, but a true story)

How could it be better?
1. Check in with each other ahead of time. How do you both feel ahead of time about the event? Speak from your own sense of self-responsibility and also vulnerability.
For example, Miriam from the example above realised she was letting go of her own responsibility to 'make' Brad become responsible for her well-being while they were there. He told her that this left him feeling unfree, fettered, and with a feeling every time they went to a social event together that he was always doing something wrong.
2. Important: are either or both of you reacting to something deeper? Chances are, the answer is often yes. Miriam realised she was reacting out of a deep-rooted sense of being unseen and unacknowledged generally in life, going back to her early beginnings in life. Brad realised he was reacting out of a feeling of never being able to get it right or to be good enough, from his childhood experiences, expectations, and conditioning.
Brad and Miriam worked hard at realising and naming the old wounds that surfaced, over conversations together and working on their own, over time.
Brad worked with his feelings of not being good enough so that he would be able to stand for them as a couple, to be able to show his affection for her in a way that felt true to him, and check in with Miriam as needed at the event so she would feel his love and support.
Miriam realised she could choose to trust Brad to support her while she also took responsibility for herself in social situations, not letting herself shut down, not letting herself expect that he would drop her.

The test!
They went to a birthday party with his friends.
They talked beforehand how they both felt about going, what they needed from each other, how they could support each other.
Miriam: ‘I will try and be open to your friends, maybe even just finding one person to have a decent conversation with. If I feel too isolated, I'll come to you and give you a look that will say, ‘Could we go soon?’. I will try not to turn away from you but will trust you.’
Brad: ‘I realise you don’t feel naturally comfortable with my friends and I really appreciate you’re coming with me tonight. And I also do appreciate that you’re going to see if you can have some interesting conversations even just with one person. I'll be ready to leave when you feel you’ve had enough, and I’ll make sure I check in with you, too, putting an arm around you and giving you a little loving squeeze now and again if that would make you feel good.’

Can relate to this scenario?
I can. All during my relationship with my ex, I couldn't find a way for us to feel like we 'had each other's back' at parties with his friends. It often felt like I had to go it alone without his support. If only I had come across this story before, and the learning that Miriam and Brad went through together.
Maybe we could have made it different. I can see that it wasn't that he wanted to ignore me, he just didn't know how to support me and he had his own feeling of insecurity to cope with.
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(Adapted from Stan Tatkin, 'Wired for Love')

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