When a Long Connection Ends

Reflections on loneliness, identity, and the longing for connection after separation

I’ve seen that when a long relationship ends, so many men experience a profound sense of disorientation and confusion.

The life they had for years, decades, suddenly disappears. The routines, the shared history, the quiet assumptions about how life worked…it all changes at once.

I’ve seen how this affects men from different angles – from my years of a lot of dating (partly for the sake of learning about men’s situations that bring them to the dating world, for professional reasons as a men’s coach!); from my tantric massage work which tends to attract men who are separated or single and who are longing for touch and unemotionally-complicated yet intimate connection; and in my coaching work with men. I feel so deeply for their situation.

Of course, women can feel that way too after a long relationship ends, myself included...my whole world fell apart when my two deepest relationships ended.  But here I want to focus on men because of the culture that seems to be prevalent around men these days.

There is a lot of public conversation about men behaving disgracefully with women — often for very good reasons in those cases. But most men are not those men.

Most men genuinely want to be kind and respectful. Most of the men I meet are thoughtful, decent men who tried so hard to do ‘the right thing’ in their relationship. Which makes the ending even more confusing. If you were trying to be a good partner, how did things end up so badly?

There can be a lot of shame and self-blame. The pervasive feeling that it was somehow all their fault, even though they tried their best. Even when they simply did not understand why their women resented them, why they were blamed for so much, why they couldn’t seem to satisfy their partners nor make them happy. A terrible secret shame when what you deeply wanted was to make your partner wife/happy and it seems you can’t do that! That this shame leads them to feel anger in reaction.

They remember the rows where accusations were hurled at them, and the long silent stretches where nothing was said at all. Just two people living behind walls of resentment and pain, misunderstandings and emotional distance.

Women do not realise that we often need to be the ones to educate our men in the ways of the heart. There is so much blame and shame, so much man-bashing that I feel quite passionate about the pendulum swinging too far from the days when women routinely had to bear the misogyny of bygone years.

But now, we are the ones who can generously, lovingly help our men to help us. That they generally do not speak our emotional language and need us to teach them. And to give them the leeway to make the same mistakes (while letting them know, kindly) until they learn how to support us. And of course it’s complicated and never the same situation twice, so this is easier said than done, but still…

I have seen so often in my work, the depth of a good man’s heart. That a good man’s heart is directed towards being the partner his love needs and desires. And in turn he needs to feel we need him. That who he is and what he has to offer is wanted even though he is different from a woman; that his masculine heart and his approach to life is wanted; that although we are not in any way helpless we need his qualities and his strength and kindness and his love, recognising his love language and teaching him to recognise ours.

And now he is on his own, trying to navigate a new life. He may be experiencing a sense of groundlessness. Who is he now that he is not a husband or partner? It was so long ago that you were both single, and the world of relationships probably feels very different now from how it was then.

The terrible loneliness kicks in that can drop a man to his knees. That feeling of what happened? “How did we end up so estranged when it began with such good intentions — with love between us?”

It can be painfully hard to sit with these questions. Turning it all over and over in his mind. Wondering what was his fault, what was hers. Replaying the arguments. Speaking imaginary speeches out loud — angry ones, apologetic ones, confused ones, begging ones.

Sometimes the loneliness drives him to want to reconnect with her again. He can’t quite imagine living without her — even though another part of him knows he couldn’t live together either.

That terrible dilemma.

He might also be wondering how he will ever begin again with new connections. He knows the relationship is over — but he still longs for touch. Sexual touch, and also simple human contact.

The longing for sexual connection can also bring up a whole range of emotions. He may want intimacy with another person, yet also want to avoid emotional entanglement. And he feels somehow bad or guilty for wanting the sex but not the relationship that could come with it.

Perhaps he misses platonic touch too. A kind hand on his shoulder, a hug, a cuddle. Just knowing someone likes to touch him. Knowing that his touch can comfort someone else, reassure them, give pleasure, and not necessarily sexual.

Many of the men I work with carry this cocktail of emotions after a breakup: loneliness, longing, anger, confusion, relief, a sense of freedom – sometimes all at the same time.

I wanted to write this article to say that if you recognise yourself in any of this, you are not alone. There are so many others going through similar things after a serious relationship ends, with similar questions and emotions and confusions.